Ad Libitum

Pain

2008-07-09T02:32:00.003+04:00

“But this time, this time I'm gonna try anything to just feel better

Tell me what to do

You know I can't see through the haze around me

And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way

God I need a change

And I do anything to just feel better

Any little thing that just feel better”

No. That isn’t it.

“I'll be she's beautiful, that girl he talks aboutand she's got everything that I have to live without…
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right, I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night…
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing starHe's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do…
As I turn out the lightI'll put his picture down and maybeget some sleep tonight…
I fake a smile so he won't see.”

That ain’t it either.

“Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears...
Every now and then I fall apart...
Once upon a time I was falling in love

But now I'm only falling apart

There's nothing I can do...

Once upon a time there was light in my life

But now there's only love in the dark

Nothing I can say

A total eclipse of the heart...
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time

I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark”

I can’t believe this. It’s taking me way too long.

“Nothing's fine I'm torn I'm all out of faith,
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
I don't care, I have no luck, and I don't miss it all that much”

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

This is not happening to me. It is not possible that I can not find a song to express how I feel. Do I even know how I feel? Can I not find words to describe the emotions that run through me? I don’t know what to do.

Help.

20 years

2008-06-24T12:53:00.003+04:00

It’s supposed to get easier as you get older. Life is supposed to become routine. Less fuck up’s. Fewer mistakes. Then why is it that as you grow older situations wears you down a lot quicker? You’re supposed to be used to the yelling, used to the comments, used to the insult. But it still hurts. 20 years on and it still hurts when they yell. 20 years on they expect you to change. Have they changed? Have they become better? All they think about is what they expect. No thought given to what we want.

The thought of forgetting becomes a distant dream for at every step taken they are there to remind you that you fucked up so many years ago. It’s funny how the years are looked upon differently depending on the situation. While it’s only been two years since you left school, it has been only two years since you messed up big time. No sight of being trusted again. No whiff of freedom in the air.

They still flip out as much on the smallest of things and then wonder why you don’t trust them. Maybe it’s because we know how you’re going to react. Ever given that a thought? Ever wondered why we protect one another? Ever considered how difficult living becomes when you are so over-bearing?

It would be so much easier if you’ll just let us live. 20 years is a lot of time to learn from mistakes. The constant nag that you have become only makes it more difficult for me to come home. It just serves as a constant reminder of why I want to leave. Of why I want to run away.

You will never understand this. I don’t expect you to. You refuse to.

I wish you’d let me just be… be me.

NEW SHOOSIES =D

2008-04-13T19:15:00.005+04:00

I have found love...this is heaven ^^

stupid people

2008-03-15T15:32:00.003+04:00

Will people ever learn that SPEED KILLS. It really isn't amusing when you have to spend 7 hours in a bus after fog, dew (not our fault), stupidity and speed (totally man's fault) have caused umpteen accidents that you are 2 cars away from.

And they still refuse to slow down, buckle up, stay off the phone and take all those other precautionary steps just because it seems 'stupid'. Well i'd rather look stupid than dead.

ELTON JOHN!!!

2008-01-23T16:35:00.000+04:00

To all those that didn’t want to see him…BOOYAH!!! It was incredible!!! The man is a genius. He is a miracle on a piano. Over 60 and still as entertaining as ever. Amazing, ingenious, brilliant, compelling and, God knows how many more adjectives, can not even begin to describe him. I did not even expect him to sing Circle of Life and when he did…I cried. There was so much emotion, thought and meaning in the way he wrote, played and sang that song. He sang all of my favorite songs. From Your song and Sacrifice to Saturday and Crocodile Rock… he was brilliant. His beautiful tribute to Marilyn Monroe, mind-blowing performance to I guess that’s why they call it the Blues … it was of another heaven.

And the minute he played Saturday, the crowd went wild. That followed by a sing-along to Crocodile Rock and Yellow Brick Road…oh it was unbelievable.

His band was equally amazing. A fabulous percussionist, suave bassist, funky lead guitarist, energetic drummer and magical keyboardist completed the ensemble. 6 men were all it took to fill the arena with electricity.

It was worth every dirham…every fil spent and if there is a person who thinks he should not sing… be warned…I’ll make you face a firing squad.

It's over

2008-01-17T22:09:00.000+04:00

It’s been 2 months since I last did this… the most hectic 2 months of the year. Turned 19, played and wrote my piano exam, lost and found my dad, partied, got piss drunk, stressed over the end of semester exams, spent Christmas with family and said goodbye to the new year hoping, wishing and praying that the new one would bring me what I needed.

When I first thought of writing this post, depressing, pathetic and boring would have been few of the many words to describe it. That was 2 weeks ago. But as I write this at 2:45 am, on the 12th of January 2008… I figured that that’s not what I really wanted to do.

Sure, the year had been bad… it felt like the universe was conspiring against me, forcing me to feel pain and sorrow, drowning me in my own thoughts. But it wasn’t always this way.

Momentary periods of pure ecstasy showed me that it wasn’t all bad.

The one thing that I hate about being human is that understanding with your head and with your heart and soul, or rather knowing and completely understanding, are two entirely different things. It made me wish I was blissfully ignorant sometimes but I guess this was when I was most ready to accept it. The change, the lessons and all of it in between.

I don’t want this to be an achingly long post about absolutely nothing so all im going to say is… a toast, to life, happiness, love, growth and the opposites… and hope that this year will be better than the last

Please understand

2007-10-28T21:05:00.000+04:00

Me: Dad, I’m not a child anymore. I’m turning 19 soon.

Dad: Yeah, I know. I get it.

Me: No you don’t, you don’t get how I feel.

Dad: And how do you feel?

Me: STOP trying to shrink me out now!

Dad: Ok, sorry.

Me: Dad, you can’t keep embarrassing me this way. I’m not a 5 year old child that’s going to put up with your crap. You’ve got to realise that I have an opinion and a life of my own. I love you and I need you in my life but that doesn’t mean I’m going to agree with every single god-damn word you say. Just because I do the things that I want to do doesn’t mean I don’t respect you. I will always need you in my life but you’ve got to learn to back off. Things aren’t the same any more. It’s bound to change and you’ve got to understand that.

Dad: But I don’t like sitting on the side-line watching your life go by.

Me: You are the last person on earth to be benched. Why don’t you understand how important you are to me? Why does no one get their respective places in my life? Dad, I love you and I respect you immensely, but I need my space. Being home doesn’t help either and you know that. I need a break once in a while and I most definitely need you to just chill. You’ve finished with most of your job. Now I just need a shoulder, the guidance and the occasional nudge. You okay with that?

*sigh*

I wish.

This time

2007-10-19T13:56:00.000+04:00

Another desert safari had me thinking this Eid was going to be as uneventful as the rest. Turned out pretty interesting. 4 cars, 2 norms, 2 n00bs…go figure. It hasn’t even rained as yet. The sand was as soft as it could have ever been. We get there with the usual huff and puff. The constant rock n roll to get the cars out. Landed up having to help every single group we met. Finally find a spot to set up camp when I decide to drive off in dad’s 4 wheeler. Sure, fine, shouldn’t be a problem right, except for the fact that I don’t have a license, we’re in the middle of no where and the last time I did this I took of the front bumper. This time was a lot less amusing. Just drove around for a while and then got called back to work. Total bummer, you think? Not really. Work in the desert involves barbequing delicious pork ribs, steaks, chicken, baby quail, fish and so much more. Food at its best. While watching the sun go down like I’ve never seen before, a bonfire is lit, guitar jam sessions start and we dance till we can’t stand any longer. To take a break from it all, I lie down and watch the stars. Thoughts that I’ve never even dreamt of thinking slowly creep in to my normally overworked mind. Realization strikes but it didn’t captivate me just because I knew it was going to happen. I know that things tend to fall into place when in this state. I get up and see that almost everyone’s asleep and it’s just me and one of the n00bs. I was about to call it a night myself when he brings over a bottle of Jim Beam and a six pack of coke and asks me to share it with him. I somehow hadn’t had any booze all night and wasn’t sleepy at all so decided to keep him company. 1 bottle, 2 people, 3 hours. We stayed up talking and it was the most interesting conversation I’d ever had. Stories, embarrassing moments, lows, highs…we spilt it all. The thing is that talking to a stranger is like a silent pact. Apart from it being easier and knowing that I’ll never see him again, we both realized that whatever we said to each other stayed between us and most important, we couldn’t judge each other. We watched the moon set, the darkness in between and the sun rise together. Ate breakfast, said goodbye and went our separate ways. I’ll never see him again but I’ll always remember the stranger in the night.

To all first borns

2007-10-09T16:55:00.000+04:00

The gift of your loins
The fruit of your womb
I am your first born
I am your tool.

The product of your fun
The experiment for all time
I am your first born
A guinea pig till I die.

I grew, I learnt
I suffered, I taught
I am your first born
Brought forward with immense thought.

I was your baby
I was your child
I am your first born
No more wild.

Goodbye ma
Tata dad
I am your first born
And so very glad.

Goodbye

2007-10-08T21:27:00.001+04:00

You didn’t say goodbye
You left me to fall
You didn’t think it through
We could have had it all.

I won’t cry, I won’t crib
I hold my head high
Cause I know in the end
I’m gonna do all right.

I’ve picked myself up
Brushed myself off
And learnt that I am
Made of tougher stuff.

I made my mistakes
Understood my flaws
But figured for myself
I didn’t break no laws.

Your touch, your smell
I’m so happy I’m me
I can live without you
And, finally, I’m free.

random

2007-10-05T13:12:00.001+04:00

How do you describe a day that makes words fail you? How do you explain emotions that you yourself can not understand? Its times like these when an old friend, gossip and good food are a perfect remedy. Yesterday was beyond description. All I remember was an amazing Iftar and a long well deserved night’s sleep. I wake up realizing I’ve got too much to fit into today.

I have friends to meet, gifts to buy, parents to please and a gazillion assignments to finish and here I am writing a post for my blog.

What does not make sense to me is that I do not know how to express myself this time.

Not being the kind to be at a loss for words, this comes as a pleasant surprise, especially when the r.j. on 106.0 seems to have a telepathic connection with me. All the songs either describe how I feel or help me get into a mood that is positively pleasant.

All I know is that I really could not care anymore and that being me is enough.

Now if I can just finish my assignments in time :P

thank you...

2007-10-03T16:24:00.000+04:00

A workout at the Corniche, an episode of Scrubs and a painful blister can make you realise a lot of things. The most important to me being that life could be worse. I have spent a lot of time cribbing and moaning about the way my mum and dad treat me forgetting the good things that have happened and to an extent, that they to are human. Things like my dad not being there for my birth, communion or confirmation brought me down to a place where I forgot that the day my sister received her first holy communion, my dad got another cake made for me saying “simply the best” and sang to me in honor of everything that I had ever done for him. I forgot that not once did I have to ask for anything but if I deserved it, I got it. Or the times my mum stood up for me when my dad was at the worst of his fits. I forgot that they had a right to break down and cry and expect me to lend a shoulder just because they had done it for me. All the times I went up to them for hugs just cause I wanted one or cried on their shoulders till the break of dawn cause of a bad dream, the endless discussions just to make me understand that all they wanted was for me to be a better person. Ma, Dad…thanks…

i did it :D

2007-10-02T16:34:00.000+04:00

"Love of my life, You hurt me, You broken my heart, Now you leave me Love of my life can't you see, Bring it back bring it back, Don't take it away from me, Because you don't know what it means to me"
yay... i've got my own blog. I really don't know how much sense there was in making this as it was a spur of the moment decision but any hoo, what's done is done. This is not going to be one of those beautifully written blogs with words describing emotions to pure perfection...this is more of a way to let go...i guess frou frou got it right 'cause there is beauty in a breakdown...it just depends on how often it happens :P