Pain

“But this time, this time I'm gonna try anything to just feel better

Tell me what to do

You know I can't see through the haze around me

And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way

God I need a change

And I do anything to just feel better

Any little thing that just feel better”

No. That isn’t it.

“I'll be she's beautiful, that girl he talks aboutand she's got everything that I have to live without…
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right, I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night…
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing starHe's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do…
As I turn out the lightI'll put his picture down and maybeget some sleep tonight…
I fake a smile so he won't see.”

That ain’t it either.

“Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears...
Every now and then I fall apart...
Once upon a time I was falling in love

But now I'm only falling apart

There's nothing I can do...

Once upon a time there was light in my life

But now there's only love in the dark

Nothing I can say

A total eclipse of the heart...
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time

I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark”

I can’t believe this. It’s taking me way too long.

“Nothing's fine I'm torn I'm all out of faith,
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
I don't care, I have no luck, and I don't miss it all that much”


NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

This is not happening to me. It is not possible that I can not find a song to express how I feel. Do I even know how I feel? Can I not find words to describe the emotions that run through me? I don’t know what to do.

Help.

20 years

It’s supposed to get easier as you get older. Life is supposed to become routine. Less fuck up’s. Fewer mistakes. Then why is it that as you grow older situations wears you down a lot quicker? You’re supposed to be used to the yelling, used to the comments, used to the insult. But it still hurts. 20 years on and it still hurts when they yell. 20 years on they expect you to change. Have they changed? Have they become better? All they think about is what they expect. No thought given to what we want.

The thought of forgetting becomes a distant dream for at every step taken they are there to remind you that you fucked up so many years ago. It’s funny how the years are looked upon differently depending on the situation. While it’s only been two years since you left school, it has been only two years since you messed up big time. No sight of being trusted again. No whiff of freedom in the air.

They still flip out as much on the smallest of things and then wonder why you don’t trust them. Maybe it’s because we know how you’re going to react. Ever given that a thought? Ever wondered why we protect one another? Ever considered how difficult living becomes when you are so over-bearing?

It would be so much easier if you’ll just let us live. 20 years is a lot of time to learn from mistakes. The constant nag that you have become only makes it more difficult for me to come home. It just serves as a constant reminder of why I want to leave. Of why I want to run away.

You will never understand this. I don’t expect you to. You refuse to.

I wish you’d let me just be… be me.

NEW SHOOSIES =D

I have found love...this is heaven ^^

stupid people

Will people ever learn that SPEED KILLS. It really isn't amusing when you have to spend 7 hours in a bus after fog, dew (not our fault), stupidity and speed (totally man's fault) have caused umpteen accidents that you are 2 cars away from.

And they still refuse to slow down, buckle up, stay off the phone and take all those other precautionary steps just because it seems 'stupid'. Well i'd rather look stupid than dead.

ELTON JOHN!!!

To all those that didn’t want to see him…BOOYAH!!! It was incredible!!! The man is a genius. He is a miracle on a piano. Over 60 and still as entertaining as ever. Amazing, ingenious, brilliant, compelling and, God knows how many more adjectives, can not even begin to describe him. I did not even expect him to sing Circle of Life and when he did…I cried. There was so much emotion, thought and meaning in the way he wrote, played and sang that song. He sang all of my favorite songs. From Your song and Sacrifice to Saturday and Crocodile Rock… he was brilliant. His beautiful tribute to Marilyn Monroe, mind-blowing performance to I guess that’s why they call it the Blues … it was of another heaven.

And the minute he played Saturday, the crowd went wild. That followed by a sing-along to Crocodile Rock and Yellow Brick Road…oh it was unbelievable.

His band was equally amazing. A fabulous percussionist, suave bassist, funky lead guitarist, energetic drummer and magical keyboardist completed the ensemble. 6 men were all it took to fill the arena with electricity.

It was worth every dirham…every fil spent and if there is a person who thinks he should not sing… be warned…I’ll make you face a firing squad.

It's over

It’s been 2 months since I last did this… the most hectic 2 months of the year. Turned 19, played and wrote my piano exam, lost and found my dad, partied, got piss drunk, stressed over the end of semester exams, spent Christmas with family and said goodbye to the new year hoping, wishing and praying that the new one would bring me what I needed.

When I first thought of writing this post, depressing, pathetic and boring would have been few of the many words to describe it. That was 2 weeks ago. But as I write this at 2:45 am, on the 12th of January 2008… I figured that that’s not what I really wanted to do.

Sure, the year had been bad… it felt like the universe was conspiring against me, forcing me to feel pain and sorrow, drowning me in my own thoughts. But it wasn’t always this way.

Momentary periods of pure ecstasy showed me that it wasn’t all bad.

The one thing that I hate about being human is that understanding with your head and with your heart and soul, or rather knowing and completely understanding, are two entirely different things. It made me wish I was blissfully ignorant sometimes but I guess this was when I was most ready to accept it. The change, the lessons and all of it in between.

I don’t want this to be an achingly long post about absolutely nothing so all im going to say is… a toast, to life, happiness, love, growth and the opposites… and hope that this year will be better than the last

Please understand

Me: Dad, I’m not a child anymore. I’m turning 19 soon.

Dad: Yeah, I know. I get it.

Me: No you don’t, you don’t get how I feel.

Dad: And how do you feel?

Me: STOP trying to shrink me out now!

Dad: Ok, sorry.

Me: Dad, you can’t keep embarrassing me this way. I’m not a 5 year old child that’s going to put up with your crap. You’ve got to realise that I have an opinion and a life of my own. I love you and I need you in my life but that doesn’t mean I’m going to agree with every single god-damn word you say. Just because I do the things that I want to do doesn’t mean I don’t respect you. I will always need you in my life but you’ve got to learn to back off. Things aren’t the same any more. It’s bound to change and you’ve got to understand that.

Dad: But I don’t like sitting on the side-line watching your life go by.

Me: You are the last person on earth to be benched. Why don’t you understand how important you are to me? Why does no one get their respective places in my life? Dad, I love you and I respect you immensely, but I need my space. Being home doesn’t help either and you know that. I need a break once in a while and I most definitely need you to just chill. You’ve finished with most of your job. Now I just need a shoulder, the guidance and the occasional nudge. You okay with that?



*sigh*



I wish.